Cinderella

[WARNING: The following may contain spoilers. If you're that concerned about reading spoilers to a Disney Princess (tm) movie, you need a life even worse than someone who blogs reviews of Disney Princess (tm) movies.]

My loathing for the Disney Princess (tm) franchise, which I've mentioned on here a time or eight, has been largely based on the merchandising (it really is a merchandising gimmick, it wasn't around as an institution when the actual Princess movies came out). But now that the oldest is 5, I've been getting to see the original movies. Today (and I'm sure tomorrow and the next day and the next) it was Cinderella.

I've long considered Cinderella one of the lamest of the heroines, right up there with Sleeping Beauty. I mean, the fairy godmother does all the work. And I was not much enlightened; the thing struck me, in fact, as Sleeping Beauty Lite.

First off, consider the villain. Instead of an Evil Witch, we have an Evil Stepmother. I'm sorry, but as fairy-tale villains go, the stepmother is pretty much bottom of the barrel. At least Snow White's stepmother was also a witch. Cruella de Ville was both stylish and crazy -- with pet alligators! Here, the villain is basically a bitchy old lady. Instead of goblin hordes and a malicious (but competent) raven, her henchmen consist of two whiny daughters. Oh, eek.

[EDIT: It has been pointed out to me that I conflated two villains here! Cruella de Ville and the crazy evil lady form The Rescuers! I don't know how I managed that, but the reality makes my point even more strongly: two wonderful, crazy, evil women that were positivly scary!]

This is fortunate for our Cindy, because her Prince was pretty useless. I mean, Sleeping Beauty's Prince Philip, while a pretty-boy, kicked ass; he not only actually left the palace unlike Prince Whatever (you know you're a figurehead when you don't even have a name), but he actually took on the witch and slew a dragon. Had some help from the fairies at the end, but the point is the boy took come initiative! Prince Whatever didn't even leave the palace to look for his "beloved"; he sent the friggin' Arch-Duke! Nothing says "I love you" like a courier.

Which brings me to my next point: Hero support. (This is harder in this case, since we have a limited number of heroes... the Prince doesn't count for anything, which leaves us with only Cindy herself). Instead of three fairies, we have one fairy godmother, who shows up, sings a song and is not seen again. This leaves little room for character development, so the cute-bumbling-help factor of the three fairies is taken over by an assortment of mice.

Oh, the mice. Am I alone in thinking the mice are basically a minstrel show without the blackface? "I's a-comin', Cindarelly!" Cringe. And while they were more intellectually competent than the SB fairies, this was made up for by their physical limitations (i.e., they were mice). Well, with the exception of Gus, who is a bumbler, but that's endearing, in Disney movies.

And what the hell old lady (or daughter of same) names her cat Lucifer? Why not just stick a "Not Welcome, We're Villains" mat outside your door? That said, Lucifer was refreshingly his own feline. He wasn't cruel and vindictive because he was anyone's sycophant, he was cruel and vindictive because he was a cat! (Cat-lovers, simmer down. I have an affinity for coyotes and you don't see me jumping all over Barnyard.)

And the ending. You might think that the ending couldn't help but be anticlimactic, but they managed climax with other Disney Princesses (insert joke here); The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the Beast all managed some level of resolution. But this one was like "It fits!"/cut to bride and groom running down palace steps/The End.

Which brings us to the plot holes. First, of course, if she's got to run away (and those gongs sure seemed to go on for a long time), mightn't she at least let the charming guy she danced and talked with know her name? Where to find her for a second date? Second: The step-sisters have "a second chance" at snagging the Prince because he doesn't know who the girl he danced with was. Ignoring the fact that he knows what she looked like, they are perhaps the only two he can positively rule out, because they were standing right in front of him when he first saw Cinderella! They were the last to be introduced to him, remember?

Aright, I'm out. As you can probably tell, this one is pretty near the bottom of the princess-o-meter. I'll let ya know when I see the next one.