The Line

I've heard people (usually, but not always, women) worry about the possibility of friends (usually, but not always, men) wanting some day to "step over the line" of friendship to... well, this is not usually specified, except in vague terms of "something else," or "more." I assume it means a romantic/sexual relationship.

I started considering myself. I've been friends with women in my time. Some quite attractive, physically and otherwise. Sometimes, I've wanted to "step over the line" -- when I was much younger. Much more confused about such things. And much more susceptible behaving in accord with social expectations.

I'm not likely to step over the line now. Because I have no lines. I don't feel the need to categorize my relationships that way -- you are here, she is there, this is the border between what we are and what she and I are. Each person is who and what he or she is to me, and that is all. With no borders, there is no tension.

If I find a woman I know attractive, I let her know. This doesn't mean anything will come of it -- once you remove possessiveness from a relationship, unreturned attraction is not a barrier. Why should it be, anyway? I am fully aware that Catherine Zeta Jones does not return my feelings, and I wish her well.

But I have had many objectively attractive female friends to whom I was not romantically attracted. (Often I have found them sexually attractive, but I'm a typical guy in that regard -- I can walk down a subway car and find a half-dozen women sexually attractive, twice that at rush hour. It doesn't signify.) Sometimes they cannot handle knowing that, and feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or -- and this one is pretty loopy -- guilty (for having led me on, I suppose, or for not returning the feelings, as if their attractions has moral significance).

I guess they don't believe me when I say that it's not a problem for me. I'm sad when such friends go, but I'm not going to hide my feelings from them. Then I'd be doing just what they seem to be afraid of.

So if I tell a woman I am not seeking more than a platonic relationship (and I hesitate to use the word "more," as my platonic friendships with women have proven far more profound and lasting, on average, than my romantic ones), I mean just that. Maybe it's different for others, but for me it's not just a matter of degree -- I am not going to fall into romantic love as a natural outgrown of platonic friendship; something would have to happen to completely change the way I see her.

Which is not to say that that could not happen -- love is a strange and unpredictable thing, after all, and you don't get to be my friend unless you're someone pretty special to begin with. But it's not going to happen because a some particle decayed at the wrong time.